Being a Mom

Really, I think the title of this particular blog says it all. If I were to end it here and post it, I think there are many many moms out there who would get it, and agree. But I can't just leave it at that but the more I delve into it, you may or may not find yourself relating. I find that maybe I have some really odd ideas about motherhood. I love my kids, but they didn't come with instructions or an on/off switch (and oh, how convenient that would be sometimes). And even worse, when they are tiny it's all trial and error on what might be wrong because they can't even tell you, other than crying, and maybe I'm just not that smart, but I can't always tell what each and every cry might mean. And oh the whining. And when they hurt, you hurt with them, there have even been a few times where I cried with them. I believe I have been blessed, because for the most part, my kids aren't difficult, a few of them have been more needy than the others, but really, they've all been fairly easy going compared to what I've seen some mother's go through. 

It is rare that I go anywhere without my kids, if not all of them, at least one or two. But there are occasions when I do get out on my own, and sometimes, just those 15 minutes, or one, two hours, are an absolute relief, and then I feel selfish. This is one of the big reasons I don't go many places without them. It's not that I can't find anyone I trust to watch them, because there are several people I feel plenty comfortable leaving them with, and when we visit family, I trust them with the kids, but it feels selfish to go out and leave them with other people. They are my kids, their welfare is my responsibility all of the time. This is why the husband and I don't get out much. You wouldn't think once a week, or even once a month, or once every two months would be such a big deal for us to go do something. Well, other than the fact there isn't much to do around here that either of us are really interested in, I just can't shake that guilty feeling that I'm being selfish by dumping my kids off on someone else. So, even if I do get out, as much of a relief as it is sometimes, I have this sense of urgency that I need to get back right away. Whether this is a valid response or not, who knows. But, I look at other couples, parents, who are going out several times a month/week, and I can't help but wonder if they don't feel they are being as selfish as I feel they are. Maybe I'm a little jealous. Who knows. Maybe it's a combination of these.