Day 2/30 Music Video Challenge

 

The video I chose for day 2 of the Music Video Challenge is Perfect by Pink. I don't know why humans do this to each other. We kill each others self esteem and then think it doesn't matter. It starts from the time we are little. Our parents do the best they can and we grow from that and once our peers and the outside world become involved it all goes to crap. Trying to live up to everyone's version of perfect. Doing things at the right times, etc. etc. I read something someone wrote today about children and potty training and just got so irritated I had to shut my email off for a while. 

Psychiatrists and our emotional well being has only started to really be a big thing in the last 10-15 years or so. ADD/ADHD/Autism and other developmental issues, all the way down to how a child handles potty training when the household is under a great deal of stress and change. Do I think some of these issues are over diagnosed, mis diagnosed and/ or even over exaggerated, sure I do. It's bound to happen, there are unethical people out there for the almighty dollar and office visits, medications, etc = big money. But do I still think they are important to talk about, yes, I do. I wouldn't have decided to make it a career if I didn't think there was something to it. There is still so much we don't know about our brains and how exactly they work and handle not only our day to day issues, but the traumatic and unusual as well. The way people see us and talk about us, to us, it all affects us. The extent to which it affects us depends on many many factors. 

It starts when we are little, and continues throughout our lives. Mental health issues used to be an untalked about subject, taboo. Give them a pill and they will be fine. It's not so much anymore, but there are still huge stereotypes and stigma's to overcome.  

30 Day Music Video Challenge

One of my friends started a 30 music videos in 30 days Challenge today. I don't normally do these, but I love music and thought it might be fun to do this one. My first video choice is Escape Club, Wild Wild West. I remember when this song came out, I was in the sixth grade. I remember driving around with my parents listening to it on my am/fm cassette walkman....yea that may date me, lol, but that's okay. I can even remember going to the dances at North Branch Middle School where we kicked off our shoes and danced on the wood floors in the gym to this and many others. I'm going to date myself a lot with this challenge, I think. I love such a wide variety of music, I think that is rubbing off on my kiddos. I don't know if they will be as into music as I was, but even if they just have a love for a good song/arrangement, that is good too. 

30 music videos in 30 days Challenge - Day 1

Escape Club, Wild Wild West

Well, I have work to do. School with the kids and house stuff. I get so tired of the house stuff. No matter where you live it never ends. The messes come day after day after day. The husbands solution would be to get rid of everything in the house except for the furniture. I just refuse. So, instead I have to suck it up and deal with the constant mess battle. A lot of times it isn't even toys it's just trash. I don't know why, it's so hard to get things in the trash can the first time, no matter how many times I say it. I wish I had more storage. I have quite a lot now, but I could use just a couple more closets. I have no good place for school. Part of the reason I wanted a house all on one floor was so I could have a place for our classroom close to wear I need to be most of the day, near the kitchen and living areas. But because that really wasn't an option here in Vegas, one story houses were either in terrible areas, too small, or too expensive. Most of the affordable housing here is multi level, well, that is what we have. And now I have to make it work. But I don't want to be upstairs all day, or really even some of the day. The kids play area is in the large loft and the workout area is in the small loft, I don't want their classroom in the play area, too confusing and really there isn't a way to keep it all separate and the little ones would have stuff lost and missing all the time. And if I put some desks and stuff up there, then there would be no room for the chairs and their playhouses and stuff. And honestly, the kitchen table isn't ideal either. I was so looking forward to having a designated place for schooling when we got a house, but now it still isn't that way. We've only been here for six months, but still. On top of that, I still have boxes of stuff I don't want to unpack because we don't have the walls painted or the floors exactly the way I want them. I know all of this takes time, but it gets frustrating sometimes. I feel like I am in a holding pattern a lot of times. Every time I look around I see things I would like to do, but it's a slow process.  

 

I can't seem to get this post started. I have started several, don't get me wrong, and I have so many things I want to write about. But, once I start typing, it seems as though my thoughts escape me. So, while I'm not going to write about anything I actually have been thinking about recently, lol, maybe that's a good thing. I made a yummy dinner for the kids and I tonight. 

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It's Crushed Peppercorn & Garlic Shrimp which I made with 1 lb of shrimp, 1 tsp olive oil, the juice of 1 sm lemon, and a tsp of Crushed Peppercorn & Garlic Rub (from The Pampered Chef), I mixed everything together and saute'd the shrimp until done (about 10-12 minutes), the shrimp had excellent flavor! 

Side dish was Lemon and Thyme Potatoes and Asparagus. I cooked this in my Pampered Chef Micro Cooker in the microwave, but you can also do this stove top by boiling. I took 7 md red potatoes and cubed them, 1 1/2 tbsp olive oil, 1tsp lemon zest, 1 tsp of thyme, and 1 tsp of Sea Salt, then I covered the potatoes with water and microwaved for 12 minutes. Meanwhile I took 1lb of asparagus spears and cut the bottoms off and then cut the remainder into 2 in pieces. After the 12 minutes, I took the potatoes out and stirred in the asparagus. I cooked the potatoes and asparagus for another 12 minutes. Once done I let them sit and steam with the cover on for about 2 more minutes. I then drained the water and served. Now, I did find that the flavor was lacking on this a little, so I added 1/2 tsp of the Peppercorn and Garlic Rub that I used on the shrimp and that gave it the flavor boost I was looking for. 

This was actually a hit with the kids as well. When they actually eat their dinners I feel like I've done my job. 

Tomorrow I go for my Nuclear Stress Test. I'm not really looking forward to it. I'm actually pretty nervous. I have grown to hate hospitals and Doctors. This is a huge reason I really can't bear to have another baby. I'm not really nervous about what the test will say, I'm reasonably sure that I am perfectly fine.  However, I really hate the way I'm treated by most medical personnel. I hate the feeling like if you don't do everything they say they are going to tie you to the hospital bed and force it on you anyway. Whether or not you think it's the right thing to do or not. I hated when each time I was there having my kids (all different hospitals/Dr's, mind you), I felt like they would just do stuff and not really explain everything and why things were necessary. By the time I had my fourth baby, of course, I was a little better at standing up for myself, but not by much. 

As for other babies. I disliked being pregnant, each and every time I did it. I just never got that "glow" or those good feelings. It wore me out, I was sick most of the time, and it just sucked in general. The best part of 4 of those pregnancies; the babies. It really wasn't any fun giving birth, and the recoveries weren't a cake walk. However, I will say that out of all the recoveries I had, my c-section was the hardest. The normal births, sure they hurt, but I wasn't in nearly the pain as I was from the section. And I think that is why I had a harder time bonding with Keeley, even to this day, I was too drugged afterward to hold her for hours, and not having my husband there... it was the toughest thing I ever had to do on my own. I had a wonderful friend there and I will never be able to repay her for helping me get through, but it was no picnic. I have to say that it makes me sad sometimes to see how big Brenna gets day by day, knowing that I won't have another baby coming along in a year or so.  On the other hand, as selfish as it may make me, I get a little bit excited knowing that as the kids grow older and can do more things on their own, I can do more things for myself and it's not about them every waking moment. They are the biggest part of my life and my day, my world for that matter, but I've realized that I have to start taking back a little bit of myself every once in a while otherwise I'm just not the mom I should be for them. I don't know if that will add up to more date nights in the future, but I know that I have do things without the kids sometimes, even if it's just going to the Doctor on my own.

Anyway, I pre- ordered Tangled for the kids way back when they first started taking orders for it and I have to say that they have been watching that movie over and over and over again, and I find myself watching it with them most times. Disney is just a wonderful thing. Of course this has brought back renewed begging to go to Disneyland pretty much daily. The year we had premium season passes was one of the best ever! Even though we didn't get to go nearly as many times as I wanted to, we went enough times to more than get our money's worth, between the discounts on eating and merchandise and the ticket prices themselves. Disneyland has it made. They know how to keep people going back over and over and over again, no matter how high their prices are. Sure, you can cheap it up, and we did that quite a bit, but the times that we didn't when we stayed on the Disney property and when we ate at the places on the property, immersing yourself in the experience, that was magic. Of course, we can't afford to do that every time, but the time we did it, was awesome. I'm only sad that the last time we went, well, I didn't know it would be the last time, and I ended up losing most of the pictures from that trip. I'm sure Meghan remembers it, Killian does vaguely, but Keeley has no clue. She has no idea since she was about Brenna's age or a little bit younger the last time we went. I don't know when we are going to get the opportunity to go again, but I can't hardly wait, either. 

It's just one of those things...

I had a huge post typed out, but it wasn't really what I wanted to say. The kids have been interrupting like crazy as only they can do, and I think I got way off track and rambling. Much more than usual, lol. Now that everyone is settled down I don't really feel much like re typing it all out, but I do want to put a post out there tonight. 

I didn't hear boo from the husband today, but then he's super busy with school and studying hard and all that good stuff and I didn't text him cause I didn't want to bother him. I hate that he has crap reception in his room and he's in class for long hours and then he has to spend all of his free time studying. On the other hand, I'm so thankful that we don't live close to the Quantico because if I was that would just be way too much stress, this whole being apart thing is a cake walk compared to what it would be like if he had to be home at night or weekends. Our house and quiet are two very different sides of the noise spectrum, at all times, unless the kids and dogs are all sleeping. So while, I hate not hearing him, I know he's safe. While I hate being so far away, I know it's the best thing for our family. Knowing those things doesn't make any of this any less hard, or any easier to deal with. 

I have a list full of things that I would like to have done in the next couple of months, on top of the crochet projects I'm working on, and on top of the regular house work that has to be done daily and weekly. I need to put the kids to work more, but I'm torn with that, too. Keeley can't do a whole lot, in fact it's more of an effort to make her pick something up than to just do it myself. The two older kiddos are a huge help with everything, I don't know what I would do without them. I know that I have to give Keeley a few more years, but it gets really frustrating sometimes. I think that's how I know that I'm done having babies. I get irritated way too easily that they make so much mess and can't pick up after themselves. I know that it can be that way with all of us, but I am most definitely at my max. My patience only goes so far and sometimes it just doesn't stretch quite far enough.

Aftermath

Well, I know that there are several more people reading this than there were before. I feel a little pressure with this post, to make it worth your while for taking time out of your busy busy lives to read about what I am doing. Lol, yea, there really is no pressure, I'm sure. It's just something I do to myself. You might say, "well then stop doing it". That is kind of like telling an alcoholic or drug addict to just quit. Yea, I went there. Really, it is. I mean, that's how I imagine it anyway. Addicts need there "fix" in order to function. Pressure, while it may stress me out and may not be good for me physically or mentally, or in any other way, pressure is like my fix. I'm sure that sounds concerning to some, so I guess I'll try to explain it some more. I think I've been through so many different things, things where I've been under pressure, that I don't know how to do things when there is no pressure, so I create it. I could get up, get the kids ready, and be out the door by 8 or 9 am when I have places to be or appointments, but instead I usually have trouble going to bed the night before something like that, so then I inevitably get up late. Then with breakfast for the kids, and getting dressed, and getting me dressed and taking care of the dogs and whatnot, it becomes lunch time before we are ready to roll. Now, if there is someplace I really have to be by a certain time, I still do all of the above, except now I yell more and get stressed out and make everyone move faster and get myself all worked up. We get there, but it was no fun for anyone. And yet even after that experience, I continue to wash and repeat. It's not just procrastination, it's the fact that if I don't feel that pressure, it's just not going to happen.

So, anyway, I keep losing my train of thought, so if I keep going with that, at some point it's going to start to sound randome and rambling, because not only am I working on this but I'm also baking chocolate chip cookies, boiling eggs for my salads for the next few days, and microwaving little pizzas for the kiddos for a late dinner. So, I keep leaving in the middle of a thought to go take care of one thing or the other and I am getting off track. I am good at multitasking, but usually something will still get lost in translation. With all of the things I have to remember, you would think that I would forget a lot more than I do, yet when the husband or kids come lookinf for something that surely I had to have touched, I can usually manage to find it, even if I didn't see where they left it. Now, there have been occassions where said item has not been found, but that usually means it was not left at the house like the searcher is absolutely sure they did. If it's not in the house, I claim no responsibility, yet somehow, it's still usually my fault.

There are some things, I really don't make any effort to remember, because kind of like that episode of Spongebob Squarepants where Squidward tells him to forget everything else and only remember things about fancy restraunts, if I'm sometimes scared that if I try to memorize one more thing, something else of importance will just drop off the map and I'll never even know until it's too late. When I get asked my name, I might not be able to tell you....

Well, I wanted to bake one more batch of cookies tonight, but I may have to stop at one cause it's getting late and the plan is to spend tomorrow at my parent's house, which is what we do on Sunday's, or at least we have sine the hubby has been gone, that's pretty much the most structured thing we have going on here right now.

I just have to say before I close this for the night that I have a myriad of friends with husbands who have just or will be coming home shortly. I am so happy for them. I just wanted to acknowledge them and say a big 

WELCOME HOME!!!

 

Preface

I'm going to start sharing what's in my head again with the people who matter most in my life, my family and friends. This blog has manged to stay pretty private since I started it back in 2008. I don't know how I managed it, but I had a place where I felt sort of anonymous. The problem with that is, now that I've decided to share and let people in on more than just my rantings on Facebook, they can read the archives if they so choose and see where I've been off and on for the last 3 1/2 - 4 years. It hasn't been pretty. Luckily, it was also pretty hit and miss. Consistently inconsistent, that's me. OF course, a lot more self deprecating than most are used to seeing from me. But, again, I've been fairly true to myself here because I haven't felt that I was under any sort of pressure to be anything other than me.

If by chance you do go back to the 2008-09 archives, I will warn you now that the language is kind of vulgar, I don't know why I felt the need to write the words, lol, but I did, and there they are. Now, I could go through and delete my archives and I would be totally off the hook for things I said because very few people read them, but again, that wouldn't be true to me, and it gets tiring hiding or squashing the things that go through my head, fair or unfair. The thing is when you read a blog, unless you are reading a blog where more than one person posts, you are only getting one side of the story. And we all know that there are two or more sides to every story, there is what each person involved interpretted and then there is the truth. I can only speak my interpretation, my truth. And sometimes the way I feel, whether it right or wrong, that is my truth.



Life is a daily struggle. We are all going down our paths, some skip and whistle down their paths and don't let anything bother them, some have paths that are full of twists and turns and dips enough to make them sick to their stomach, and some have paths filled with potholes and downed trees and high fences that just never seem to end. For those of us who seem to have more trials than some, the days where the sun shines through and we can just breath deeply and be, are days we stop and just remember that we are alive and well and there are people out there who love us and care and we can just stop for a moment and be thankful for the small things. There will be plenty to complain about tomorrow. ;0)

 So, in a nutshell, what you will find when you read my blog, whether you read my archives or you read future posts, what you will find is a heavy dose of me, with a little more of me on the side, plus the husband and kids, dogs, parents, inlaws, and everything in between. If it touches me in anyway, I will probably have an opinion on it. Feel free to comment if you wish, but don't feel obligated. I will assume from this point on that I have a bigger audience than I did with just the world, but don't expect me to hold back. I talk about the kids and I use names, but because this is out there where anyone can find it if they try, I don't name names, those who know me know who I'm referring to when I use generalizations and while I can't confirm or deny, if I talk about you, you will probably know it.

 So, with all of that said, Happy Reading. Enjoy my blog! When I blog I will post that I did so on my Facebook, but you can follow me as well (there is a button over on the side that says something like Follow or Follow this Blog), and if you follow you will probably get notifications automatically when I post more.

Welcome to my kind of crazy!

Pics, Hospitals, Earrings, and Missing my Hubby, oh my.......

Things have sure been busy around here. Two weekends ago the kids and I went over to the park across the street and had their pics done by a photographer that was doing a special for homeschoolers. I think the pics turned out pretty good, I will have to share some as soon as I put them on this computer. I just got my laptop back on Monday after HP had it for a week. Turns out my hard drive crashed and they had to put a new one in. I'm a little hesitant to put too much important stuff on this one now. Luckily, since I had just gotten it after Christmas, I hadn't had a lot of time to put too much important stuff on it anyway, so I didn't lose a whole lot of info. I do back up my stuff fairly regularly, but probably not regularly enough. My Toshiba has been a trooper though for the last 5 years and thank goodness I had it when this one took a crap otherwise I would have been SOL for the almost two weeks it took to send it in and get it back.

My oldest had her ears pierced almost 8 weeks ago now. I helped her make sure they got cleaned and turned as recommended the whole time. The bothered her a little bit, but she's been real good about it. I took them out two weeks ago and one bled quite a bit. I cleaned it real good and cleaned the earring and put it back in. We went back to the cleaning and turning schedule. The ear is still sore. It's not red, and it doesn't look infected. Took the earring out again tonight and it bled just a tiny bit. I think it's almost healed, but I'm just not sure why it's still sore or why it's taking so long to heal. We are going to try putting the regular earrings in tomorrow. Her grandma bought her two pairs that are 10k gold, so hopefully it will help. We'll continue cleaning them each time she puts some in or takes them out. I'm going to give it two more weeks and if they aren't completely healed by then I guess we will have to see the Dr or she will have to take them out for good and let them close. Although, I think mine are still there even though I never wear earrings anymore.

Last week I started feeling really bad, to include some shortness of breath and chest pain. So, my brother went with me and I went to the ER. I think it's one of the hardest things I've ever done. I really dislike hospitals, Dr's and the like. I just have terrible feelings for all of the above. It ranks up there with the horrors of my c-section as the toughest things I've been through. Anyway, I ended up being admitted for observation, and was poked, and prodded, and squeezed, and kept awake, among many other things. In the end, the tests all came out okay and they let me go home the next afternoon. I have a follow up test scheduled for the first week in April and probably a couple other appointments after that. It was a big wake up call to me. It really sucked being away from my kids all night and part of the day and they really didn't understand what was going on. They did very well with my parents and I'm so grateful that my parents could be there, but not being able to take care of things myself....let's just say I despise feeling so helpless. I don't know exactly how to fix my situation, but I'm going to do everything I can so that I don't have to be away from them again because of my health.

Of course during this whole episode, my family was wonderful, and I couldn't have gotten through it without them, but I miss my husband something fierce. I really need him and his reassurance and his support, and all I could have was a few text messages and short conversations by phone. Honestly, I know it's better than nothing at all, and if he had been here, he probably would have been with the kids anyway, or he would have been tougher on me than I was onmyself and wouldn't have babied me at all, but I still wanted him. Two more months.....