Organization and Me....

If you really knew me, you would know that while I try very hard to be organized, I'm just not. I don't feel like I'm as bad as any of the episodes of Hoarders that I've seen, but if I'm not careful, I could probably go there. I'm a huge packrat, always have been, ever since I was a kid. I don't know why. I purge different rooms of the house all the time, but before I can get to the next room, the other room is all jacked up again. Clothes are just about the worse thing. We keep most of our clothes in the laundry room downstairs. I realize that is not what most people do, but we spend the majority of our time downstairs, the washer and dryer are downstairs, dragging clothes up and down the stairs all of the time sucks. I guess maybe I'm lazy. But, when we take showers and baths it's just easier to grab what we need from the laundry room and head upstairs. And clothes we just don't need. I donate some of the clothes the kids outgrow, but not all of them. I mean, with 4 kids, only two of them can really do hand me downs, so, I need to get what I can out of some of them, so I try to ebay or yard sale, but that is a PITA as well. 

Our homeschool stuff is out of control, and while I think I may have a solution that will work until we get a house of our own and can feel like we can invest in a really nice bookshelf because they are expensive and I would hate to have movers break it and then have to replace it....

Excuses excuses, I could come up with a million more as to why I can't get organized the way I envision being organized. You know, those house you walk into, and they are done to down to the vases with flowers. Nothing at all on the floors, no toys, no shoes, no trash from kids just throwing stuff on the floor. I don't know how people with kids do it. I've tried to not let them have toys downstairs, make them play in their rooms, but it just seems to be unrealistic. Especially for the 2 year old. She is a tornado. The older two have gotten so much better, but the 2 year old, she is a tornado. It is a constant fight trying to keep things picked up just to a level where it's inhabitable. I clean something everyday. It needs it again by the next day. Really. I mop once a week. It's clean for maybe an hour or two. I've decided that I could do laundry 24 hours a day, never really getting it all done.

Paperwork kills me. I keep only the important stuff, but it gets out of control so quickly. I have a small filing cabinet, I probably need one of those big 4 drawer ones, but if I had it, I'd have no place to put it.

And craft stuff. I love my crafts. And even if I haven't used something in years, at some point I will need it for something and use it. I'm always trying to make something when I can find a minute. But, I don't have space for it all. I don't know what to do with it. I can't get rid of it. I don't want to have to buy it again when I'm ready for it, ya know? 

I don't know why I can't just be one of those obsessive compulsive anal women who clean until their fingers bleed....

Need to get this off my chest.....

There's not a lot of places I feel like I can just let it go, too many people watching every word I say and what not. I mean, it's my own fault, I've allowed those closest to me in my life access to all my opinions all the time at MySpace, Facebook, and the like. I know I've shared this blog before, but as far as I know, I only get comments from one person and I'm cool with that. It's when I know people are paying attention that I feel like I have to choose my words carefully. I realize that the internet is the last place to look for privacy. And in a way, I'm not really looking for privacy, I want people to hear what I have to say, but sometimes I don't want any advice or know it all-ism's or sarcasm (coming from the princess of sarcasm, I know). I just want to get shit off my chest and leave it out there. Period. I really don't care if anyone else feels that way, if I'm a shitty person for feeling a certain way, etc. etc. I just want to feel it and maybe then, just maybe, I can let it stop eating me up.

Like, I am a sorry excuse for a mother. Everyone always says what a great mom I am and how I'm so amazing, yada, yada, yada. First off, I don't know what they are seeing, but I'm fucking mess. There are moments where I really dislike my kids. I dislike everyone around me. But, most of all, I dislike myself for feeling that way. There are moments where if I could get in my van or get a bus ticket, I would love to just leave. The fact that an ex sister in law basically did just that, is not lost on me. There are moments where I would like to have a cousin or best friend around whom I could just go away for a night with and hang out. Hell, if I could leave for a week and go have fun with family I haven't seen in years, without the kids, I'd go in a heartbeat. Of course, after I calm down and everything, I feel guilty. Guilty that I would even think about leaving my kids, let alone actually putting my shoes on in contemplation. 

So, basically, right now, I'm hating life. Period. No one can talk me out of it, no one can talk me happy, I don't particularly even want to talk to anyone about it.

What can I say?

I don't blog nearly enough. It's definitely not because I don't have anything to say. I have tons to say. Or rather so much stuff I can bitch and moan about on a daily basis that I think I might really bore anyone who does find this blog, to tears. 

I have been reading blogs by some friends and aquaintances, as well as perfect strangers, and well, I feel inadequate. Most of these blogs talk about useful things like organization and daily living helps, and are upbeat and positive. And well, I don't feel that way most of the time. I dislike my house. A lot. I would like to be more organized and less scattered and have a neat and tidy house. Ha. That is so not me. If it was, I wouldn't be on here, lol. Ever. Honestly, the things that I have for organization, don't fix my problem. I have 100lbs of crap that I'm trying to stuff in a 10lbs drawer. Get rid of stuff, you say? Yea, I would, but it's my stuff, that I use. Not all of the time, but some of the time. My crocheting yarn, my sewing machine, my scrap booking stuff, my wood and paints. All my artsy craftsy stuff. The kids school books, reading books, papers, notebooks, etc. Every closet, ever shelf, every surface has something on it. I go through different parts on a daily basis trying to sort and stack neater, get rid of what I absolutely don't need, throw trash, etc, but it's still way over whelming. I don't know what I need to do to fix it, but it drives the husband nuts, and I can't say that I like it. We don't really have people over because it's too hard, we shove everything into random corners and hope for the best. Okay, honestly, even if the house was immaculate, we wouldn't have people over either, we just aren't that sociable. We aren't people people, we suck.

And because I am not organized, my kids are not organized. I feel like I am teaching them nothing about living and life that they are going to need later on. Organization is a huge thing. Being able to keep things clean is important. Believe me, cleaning my room when I was a kid, was not high on my list of priorities, I was always a pack rat. I guess things just don't change that much. So, I feel like if I never got over it, my house looks about as bad as my room when I was a kid, are my kids doomed to be the same way when they are adults? I don't know. 

Anyway, enough of the doom and gloom. I gotta get the crew to bed. That takes at least an hour of bitching and fussing.

I came across this today, and it fits.

I get told sometimes that by home schooling I'm doing a disservice to my kids. They aren't getting enough socialization and what not. i came across this conversation this morning on one of the home school chat groups I belong to and thought it appropriate to share here. 


Two women meet at a playground, where their children are swinging and playing ball. The women are sitting on a bench watching. Eventually, they begin to talk.

W1: Hi. My name is Maggie. My kids are the three in red shirts -- helps me keep track of them.
W2: (Smiles) I'm Terri. Mine are in the pink and yellow shirts. Do you come here a lot?
W1: Usually two or three times a week, after we go to the library.
W2: Wow. Where do you find the time?
W1: We home school, so we do it during the day most of the time.
W2: Some of my neighbors homeschool, but I send my kids to public school.
W1: How do you do it?
W2: It's not easy. I go to all the PTO meetings and work with the kids every day after school and stay real involved.
W1: But what about socialization? Aren't you worried about them being cooped up all day with kids their own ages, never getting the opportunity for natural relationships?
W2: Well, yes. But I work hard to balance that. They have some friends who are homeschooled, and we visit their grandparents almost every month.
W1: Sounds like you're a very dedicated mom. But don't you worry about all the opportunities they're missing out on? I mean they're so isolated from real life -- how will they know what the world is like -- what people do to make a living -- how to get along with all different kinds of people?
W2: Oh, we discussed that at PTO, and we started a fund to bring real people into the classrooms. Last month, we had a policeman and a doctor come in to talk to every class. And next month, we're having a woman from Japan and a man from Kenya come to speak.
W1: Oh, we met a man from Japan in the grocery store the other week, and he got to talking about his childhood in Tokyo. My kids were absolutely fascinated. We invited him to dinner and got to meet his wife and their three children.
W2: That's nice. Hmm. Maybe we should plan some Japanese food for the lunchroom on Multicultural Day.
W1: Maybe your Japanese guest could eat with the children.
W2: Oh, no. She's on a very tight schedule. She has two other schools to visit that day. It's a system-wide thing we're doing.
W1: Oh, I'm sorry. Well, maybe you'll meet someone interesting in the grocery store sometime and you'll end up having them over for dinner.
W2: I don't think so. I never talk to people in the store -- certainly not people who might not even speak my language. What if that Japanese man hadn't spoken English?
W1: To tell you the truth, I never had time to think about it. Before I even saw him, my six-year-old had asked him what he was going to do with all the oranges he was buying.
W2: Your child talks to strangers?
W1: I was right there with him. He knows that as long as he's with me, he can talk to anyone he wishes.
W2: But you're developing dangerous habits in him. My children never talk to strangers.
W1: Not even when they're with you?
W2: They're never with me, except at home after school. So you see why it's so important for them to understand that talking to strangers is a big no-no.
W1: Yes, I do. But if they were with you, they could get to meet interesting people and still be safe. They'd get a taste of the real world, in
real settings. They'd also get a real feel for how to tell when a situation is dangerous or suspicious.
W2: They'll get that in the third and fifth grades in their health courses.
W1: Well, I can tell you're a very caring mom. Let me give you my number--if you ever want to talk, give me call. It was good to meet you.


We have yet to bring home a total stranger and family from the grocery store, but we have had a friend of a friend from Pakistan join us and share a little about her Country with us, and that was interesting. Maybe one day we will meet more interesting people like that.

Considering moving my Blog

I blogged on MySpace for a couple of years and while the format was okay, it wasn't "great", if you know what I mean. I didn't have a lot of the features I wanted and I do like the way this is all on one page. You can see a little bit about me, but the main juice, the blog, is right there on the page as well, no clicking to find it, read it, go back to the profile, etc. I like Twitter for the simple fact that you can tweet little stuff about what you are doing on a constant basis, but I haven't totally mastered it and how you talk to other Tweeters, yet. I love Facebook, I really dislike the newest layout, but hopefully we'll be able to go back to the original if enough people complain about it? One can hope. And I've connected with so many lost friends, family and what not. But I can't blog on it. I can use notes, but it's again with the flipping back and forth between pages and whatnot. And while I blog mainly for me, so that I can get my thoughts out there and maybe try to make sense of things, when I get on my soapbox, it's nice to be heard, even if no one agrees with what I say, lol. So, I don't get here enough to actually blog, though. My conundrum continues. I guess eventually I'll figure out what I want to do.


The husband had to go and buy uniforms over the weekend. He's been getting pieces here and there where he's needed too over the last many years since he came back in, but it's gotten to the point where he's old enough now that his body just does not allow him to be a stick figure anymore. So it was time to make the investment. It definitely hurt, but probably not as much as it could have. He got full blues, full alpha's, and full evening dress and it was all a little under a grand. Of course that doesn't count medal mounting, but there are several places around here that do it on the off season (when it's more than 6 months before the next Ball), for decent prices. At least this way, he is totally prepared for anything that comes up and doesn't have to scramble to get what he needs, and he's got lots of stuff going on this year. 


As for everyone else, well, home school is well, it's going. Sometimes I wonder if I'm cut out for it or not, it tests my patience like nothing else, but I know the kids are better off in the long run. It's me I have to work on.


My goal of reading two books a month isn't quite going as I had planned. I'm finding the books harder to get through than I had anticipated. And it makes a difference when you don't have anyone to talk over the ideas that you are reading with. I'm used to doing that in a classroom or even a chat room, especially some of the material I'm ready, it's not just your regular run of the mill novels and what not. Oh well, if I can get one done a month, I'm going to try to be happy with that, until I figure something else out. I'm also not spending enough time doing my crocheting and getting items ready for my new store I want to open this summer. I am however, finally getting some things listed on Ebay, and if the first few auctions go well, I will continue to list until things stop selling. Maybe I can clear out some of this stuff. I can only donate and throw away so much, it makes sense to sell some things if I can, especially with young, growing children.


Anyway, I guess that's it for now...

Learning

This year is all about learning for me. I received my first set of books from Barnes and Noble and have dug in. I'm pretty much through the Vaccine Book by Dr. Robert W. Sears. I feel that the stance and actions that I have currently been on are good for Brenna and I feel comfortable with the way we are working her vaccine schedule. And if her pediatrician and the Pediatrics Dept at the Naval Hospital continue to try to intimidate me, I may just have to request through Tricare to be referred a PCM out in town. 

I have read the forward and 1st chapter in Saul Alinsky's Rules for Radicals. It's very interesting so far. I'm curious to see where he goes in the next chapters. So far it hasn't totally explained where these leftist people are coming from at this point because so far it he has said that some of the things they are doing are no-no's if they want to accomplish their mission, which is actually a good thing for the Country in the long run, because we've figured out what they are up to and most regular people are fed up with it all. So, in the end it may not be the Revolution he was looking for that may come about. Like I said, I'm looking to see where the book goes in the coming chapters. And I can't wait to start the other books, there are so many books I want to read/listen to this year. I'm hoping to finish  at least two books a month. I guess we'll see how things go.

I got my iphone, I'm really having a good time with it. I haven't figured out everything yet, and I'm not sure if it does everything I want it to, but for the most part it is everything I was expecting. I like being to use Facebook and some of the other apps, I'm looking forward to exploring a lot of the other applications as well. 

And we are using Netflix to watch movies on the computers and the TV upstairs. They are supposed to be introducing Netflix for the Wii in the next few months and we are excited for that because then we can use it and watch movies on the main TV downstairs. 

Tomorrow is a holiday because we are observing Martin Luther King, Jr's birthday, and while we are not doing anything special to observe, we are thinking about going to Palm Springs for the day since the hubby is off and Meg doesn't have to do school. I guess we'll see how things go.

Being a Mom

Really, I think the title of this particular blog says it all. If I were to end it here and post it, I think there are many many moms out there who would get it, and agree. But I can't just leave it at that but the more I delve into it, you may or may not find yourself relating. I find that maybe I have some really odd ideas about motherhood. I love my kids, but they didn't come with instructions or an on/off switch (and oh, how convenient that would be sometimes). And even worse, when they are tiny it's all trial and error on what might be wrong because they can't even tell you, other than crying, and maybe I'm just not that smart, but I can't always tell what each and every cry might mean. And oh the whining. And when they hurt, you hurt with them, there have even been a few times where I cried with them. I believe I have been blessed, because for the most part, my kids aren't difficult, a few of them have been more needy than the others, but really, they've all been fairly easy going compared to what I've seen some mother's go through. 

It is rare that I go anywhere without my kids, if not all of them, at least one or two. But there are occasions when I do get out on my own, and sometimes, just those 15 minutes, or one, two hours, are an absolute relief, and then I feel selfish. This is one of the big reasons I don't go many places without them. It's not that I can't find anyone I trust to watch them, because there are several people I feel plenty comfortable leaving them with, and when we visit family, I trust them with the kids, but it feels selfish to go out and leave them with other people. They are my kids, their welfare is my responsibility all of the time. This is why the husband and I don't get out much. You wouldn't think once a week, or even once a month, or once every two months would be such a big deal for us to go do something. Well, other than the fact there isn't much to do around here that either of us are really interested in, I just can't shake that guilty feeling that I'm being selfish by dumping my kids off on someone else. So, even if I do get out, as much of a relief as it is sometimes, I have this sense of urgency that I need to get back right away. Whether this is a valid response or not, who knows. But, I look at other couples, parents, who are going out several times a month/week, and I can't help but wonder if they don't feel they are being as selfish as I feel they are. Maybe I'm a little jealous. Who knows. Maybe it's a combination of these.