Busy Busy Busy

If there was ever a time I just wanted to stop, and think, and take a breath, I think the world might just end. That's what it feels like sometimes. I wish for more peaceful moments in my daily life. But, sometimes there's just none to be had. If I just step out to the garage or out to get the mail for a minute, all heck tends to break loose. It's like there's this switch in everyone in the house and as soon as I am more than 10 feet from them, it goes off and says, "Mom's not here, where's mom, let's scream, and hit each other, and jump off the couch and bark", etc. etc. Kids and dogs go nuts. There are times I can get a shower without worrying about who's taking what from who and what not, but then sometimes it's that "too quiet" worry. They are too quiet what are they doing now??? Usually it's something like taking a sharpie to the wall, or feeding the bulldog their apple or all of the snacks that were left in the bag, or putting a whole roll of toilet paper in the toilet or stringing it through the house so the bulldog can then get a hold of it and "help" make it even messier by tearing it up into little pieces. And of course, the older kids, never realize that the younger one is up to no good because they are too busy doing whatever they do and not including the little one so she is left to her own devices, even though I asked them to watch a specific cartoon and color or play such and such toys nice and quiet just so I can get a quick shower. So, you might ask why I don't just take a shower when the husband gets home. Well, that's all well and good, and I do do that on many occassions, but he's an EOD tech and a Marine, he's away from home A LOT. I have to be able to get a shower when he's not here, so the kids have to be able to behave for 10 minutes while I do it. So, we keep trying. Sometimes it goes well, and sometimes, as demonstrated above, it doesn't. Such is the life, I suppose.

I have decided that this summer I am going to take some days and just drive around to all the different little thrift shops up in this area and see if I can find some reference books for the kids. Since we are dropping the charter school after the end of their year, and we are going on our own, I am going to need a few things. And while I think the library is a good thing, I'm just not a good library patron. Dragging all the kids there, trying to make them be quiet, and then picking out a few books, only to not take them back on time because I just can't get out of the house, I forget, or whatever. I prefer to have my books, I prefer to be able to keep them, and if there is a book I don't like or don't want, I can always sell it to someone else. In fact, I don't mind buying used books, either. So, we are going to need a set of encyclopedias, not too ancient, but not new enough to cost a lot. My parents used to have these two sets of books, one had lots of stuff like each volume was different, one set had volumes on marine life, land animals, reptiles etc. and then the other set where different volumes of fairy tales, nursery rhymes, etc. I used to love those books when I was little. Before I could read I would just look at all the pictures and stuff, and when I could read, I did. I read them all the time. I used them for reports and lots of stuff. Now to just see if my parents remember the names of the books, because I sure don't, lol... But, I think maybe if I have that kind of stuff in the house, it can only help. Being able to look up things they want to read about, and reading just because, will be great. For the little ones too. I'm excited for summer to come so I can begin my search....

Baby

I recently did all of the kids spring/summer wardrobe shopping and purging the old that no longer fits, put the winter stuff away, all that good stuff. Well, I think I did pretty good. I'm probably going to have to get a few more things in another month or so, but I got us a good start. The one thing that I never think about when buying clothes is pajamas. I don't know why. Maybe because I don't really wear them? Maybe because my kids don't really wear them. They just sleep in a clean shirt and underwear, unless of course we go camping or stay with family or what not. Regardless, I bought no pajamas for anyone. Well, it's still rather chilly here at night and the sleepers I had for the baby, well, they just don't fit her anymore. And really, they are kind of a pain. I really like her infant gowns, but she outgrew those. Onesies were still a little bit not quite enough, if you know what I mean. So, I looked and looked for something. And you know what I found? Aden and Anais. I thought, well, it's a bit pricey, but they look so cute and comfy, lightweight yet better than nothing. I bought two single layer sleeping bags and one four layer sleeping bag.  I am so hooked. I absolutely love these bags! If I could afford to buy four more right now, I would. I put her in a onesie, short or long sleeve depending on how the temp in the house is, and put her in the sleeping bag, and she stays nice and comfy all night. And the best thing is that she can't kick it off. My kids are notorious for kicking off their blankets every night, this totally takes care of that. If they made them for my 10 year old, I would buy her one, too! lol. And the four layer will be perfect for when we go camping and in the winter time. Anyway, I will probably be buying more soon. I want to have at least enough for a full week. It's not that I don't like washing clothes, but with 6 people now in this house, laundry can be a full time job as it is, and only having enough for a few days, means washing more, and well, that just doesn't always happen...even if I'd like it to. 

I finally bought a new vacuum. I went with a Bissell. I could not spend $400+ on a vacuum right now, but I had to have something different because it wasn't picking up the bulldogs hair at all. Well, it's too soon to tell exactly how happy I am with this vacuum. I need to give it a few more uses to really say. I can say that I'm leaning toward sending it back or exchanging it right now. It's a very nice vacuum, but it doesn't seem to be working exactly like I was expecting it to. It works better than my current Bissell, but not seemingly as well as the bazillion reviews I was reading. I am impressed with everything except for the pet hair pickup. So, I will let you all know in a week or so what I really think, and if it's going to be a keeper or not.

So, the husband is home right now. He will be going to visit some family in Oklahoma at the end of April and the kids and I aren't going with him, too expensive for us all to fly, and he didn't want to drive. So, instead the kids and I are going to hang with my parents for the week. It actually worked out quite well, because I will get to spend some time with some awesome friends from Texas whom I haven't seen in about 2 years. It's hard to believe it's been that long at the same time it seems like it's been forever. My third child was only 9 months old when we last hung out and now she is almost three and my fourth is here and almost 7 months! It's just amazing the amount of things that can happen in such a short amount of time. 

Anyway, after he gets back from the visit with his family, he will be slammed with work for the rest of May, and  he'll have duty, his chain of command will be changing and we aren't really looking forward to his replacement coming in, other than the fact that he won't have so much on his plate, but that can be a good or a bad thing. Then in June he'll start travelling. Most of our summer will be spent with him going here and there and everywhere. The oldest goes to camp the first week in August, and then there's another course for the husband which is like 6 weeks at Pendleton. So, while he's Stateside, he's not really here. I am grateful that he's not deployed right now, I've really just had enough of that for a while. I know it's coming again, but we have a while yet. I'm just at the point where, I'd like him to go away for a little while, but only because I just don't know what to do with him when he's here. I don't know what he wants from me, and what I give him never seems to be enough. I love my husband, but sometimes, I just wish living with him was easier. I know he wishes the same of me, and I would really like to help him with that. I'm tired of being resentful all of the time. But I'm working on it. I'm working on improving myself, and I guess that's all I can do.

A good friend of mine is starting Curves, since the one here in 29 Palms is offering a smashing military deal right now. She did it before and she really liked it. I've heard mixed reviews from other people. So, if you've done it/do it what did/do you think. She wants me to do it with her and we would then be able to hold each other accountable. I'm just not sure. I don't want to spend the money on it and have it be a waste because it sucks and I don't do it. 

Anyway, I'm watching a guinea pig do facebook and can't concentrate on what I was saying, so I'm gonna go. The weekend is over and we have lots of school to accomplish this week. I have a new list of books for next year for the oldest and my son, I'm really looking forward to doing some more research. I want this next school term to be fun and educational. I know it's possible. I just have to find the right things.....

Time to Blog

I've pretty much come to the realization that I'm not going to blog as often as I would like. As much as I use Facebook, and the amount of energy I put into my comments and whatnot, I just don't have much left for daily rantings here as well, lol. And that really seems like all that I am good for lately, ranting and raving about everything. I started a written journal today. I miss writing. There is nothing wrong with typing, but from a young age I would write and write and write. The other day I found my journal from high school. I can hardly believe that it hasn't bitten the dust at some point during our many many moves. Before the internet became such a daily thing in my life, I used to write letters upon letters and journals.  My oldest definitely didn't get my love of writing. Getting her to write anything is like pulling teeth. Like I'm torturing her. Of course schooling at all right now is like torture, for the both of us. She hates the work, I dislike the curriculum very much. Which is what my journal is about. It is going to chronicle my journey to finding a curriculum that I like, that works for each one of my children, and that helps me teach them the things they need to know academically and life skills-wise. 

I get to start blank canvas with my son this fall as he will just finally officially be starting kindergarten. We've been working with different preschool things off and on for the last year and a half, but we get to be official this fall. And my oldest will no longer be with the charter school we are currently with as she goes on her own as well. Of course I will have to file our private school affidavit this fall, I'm wondering if I can use the same school name I registered with previously, or if it will send up all sorts of flags since I didn't file this year because we went with the charter school? Guess I have to do some research. I kinda liked our school name, so hopefully we can keep it. 

So, while I am researching school names, and curriculum for both children, I am also reading and learning myself. Right now, I'm very much into learning the history that I didn't learn in high school...or college for that matter. I took two history classes in college and still didn't know some of the things I'm learning now. I'm particularly interested in how we got on this progressive path we are on, our Founding Fathers, and learning more about the progressives, liberals and how they think, and their "forefathers" so to speak. Right now I'm reading about FDR and the Great Depression and his New Deal, and I'm also reading a book by Saul Alinsky. It's rather dry material, but I definitely like the history book rather than the liberal book, lol. To think like a liberal is very tiring. There is no rationale, the thinking goes round and round and doesn't really stop in any particular place other than they are the correct way of thinking and how to get everyone to agree with them.

Anyway, so as I do all this I'm trying to also figure out ways to save money while home schooling. I dislike the library. I like to keep books. I like to have them to refer back to, I like to be able to take as much time as I want with them. And if a little one marks in it, I don't have to cry and pay for it anyway. That being said. I'm not against used books. I would especially love to find a set of used encyclopedias, good dictionary, thesaurus, and other reference materials. I have some smaller books that I've bought over the years, but it would be nice to have something that is kid friendly and that I didn't have to pay an arm and a leg to have. Of course, in order to have all of these books, I would have to have a place to put them. I don't, right now. But, I'm working on figuring that out. I really need a cabinet that I can lock and keep the little ones out of, and the bigger ones too, for that matter. My supplies are always disappearing, and when I need them, are no where to be found. That gets super annoying.

Anyway, now that I'm starting to ramble, that means it's getting super late and it's time for me to stop. 

I'll be back...

Organization and Me....

If you really knew me, you would know that while I try very hard to be organized, I'm just not. I don't feel like I'm as bad as any of the episodes of Hoarders that I've seen, but if I'm not careful, I could probably go there. I'm a huge packrat, always have been, ever since I was a kid. I don't know why. I purge different rooms of the house all the time, but before I can get to the next room, the other room is all jacked up again. Clothes are just about the worse thing. We keep most of our clothes in the laundry room downstairs. I realize that is not what most people do, but we spend the majority of our time downstairs, the washer and dryer are downstairs, dragging clothes up and down the stairs all of the time sucks. I guess maybe I'm lazy. But, when we take showers and baths it's just easier to grab what we need from the laundry room and head upstairs. And clothes we just don't need. I donate some of the clothes the kids outgrow, but not all of them. I mean, with 4 kids, only two of them can really do hand me downs, so, I need to get what I can out of some of them, so I try to ebay or yard sale, but that is a PITA as well. 

Our homeschool stuff is out of control, and while I think I may have a solution that will work until we get a house of our own and can feel like we can invest in a really nice bookshelf because they are expensive and I would hate to have movers break it and then have to replace it....

Excuses excuses, I could come up with a million more as to why I can't get organized the way I envision being organized. You know, those house you walk into, and they are done to down to the vases with flowers. Nothing at all on the floors, no toys, no shoes, no trash from kids just throwing stuff on the floor. I don't know how people with kids do it. I've tried to not let them have toys downstairs, make them play in their rooms, but it just seems to be unrealistic. Especially for the 2 year old. She is a tornado. The older two have gotten so much better, but the 2 year old, she is a tornado. It is a constant fight trying to keep things picked up just to a level where it's inhabitable. I clean something everyday. It needs it again by the next day. Really. I mop once a week. It's clean for maybe an hour or two. I've decided that I could do laundry 24 hours a day, never really getting it all done.

Paperwork kills me. I keep only the important stuff, but it gets out of control so quickly. I have a small filing cabinet, I probably need one of those big 4 drawer ones, but if I had it, I'd have no place to put it.

And craft stuff. I love my crafts. And even if I haven't used something in years, at some point I will need it for something and use it. I'm always trying to make something when I can find a minute. But, I don't have space for it all. I don't know what to do with it. I can't get rid of it. I don't want to have to buy it again when I'm ready for it, ya know? 

I don't know why I can't just be one of those obsessive compulsive anal women who clean until their fingers bleed....

Need to get this off my chest.....

There's not a lot of places I feel like I can just let it go, too many people watching every word I say and what not. I mean, it's my own fault, I've allowed those closest to me in my life access to all my opinions all the time at MySpace, Facebook, and the like. I know I've shared this blog before, but as far as I know, I only get comments from one person and I'm cool with that. It's when I know people are paying attention that I feel like I have to choose my words carefully. I realize that the internet is the last place to look for privacy. And in a way, I'm not really looking for privacy, I want people to hear what I have to say, but sometimes I don't want any advice or know it all-ism's or sarcasm (coming from the princess of sarcasm, I know). I just want to get shit off my chest and leave it out there. Period. I really don't care if anyone else feels that way, if I'm a shitty person for feeling a certain way, etc. etc. I just want to feel it and maybe then, just maybe, I can let it stop eating me up.

Like, I am a sorry excuse for a mother. Everyone always says what a great mom I am and how I'm so amazing, yada, yada, yada. First off, I don't know what they are seeing, but I'm fucking mess. There are moments where I really dislike my kids. I dislike everyone around me. But, most of all, I dislike myself for feeling that way. There are moments where if I could get in my van or get a bus ticket, I would love to just leave. The fact that an ex sister in law basically did just that, is not lost on me. There are moments where I would like to have a cousin or best friend around whom I could just go away for a night with and hang out. Hell, if I could leave for a week and go have fun with family I haven't seen in years, without the kids, I'd go in a heartbeat. Of course, after I calm down and everything, I feel guilty. Guilty that I would even think about leaving my kids, let alone actually putting my shoes on in contemplation. 

So, basically, right now, I'm hating life. Period. No one can talk me out of it, no one can talk me happy, I don't particularly even want to talk to anyone about it.

What can I say?

I don't blog nearly enough. It's definitely not because I don't have anything to say. I have tons to say. Or rather so much stuff I can bitch and moan about on a daily basis that I think I might really bore anyone who does find this blog, to tears. 

I have been reading blogs by some friends and aquaintances, as well as perfect strangers, and well, I feel inadequate. Most of these blogs talk about useful things like organization and daily living helps, and are upbeat and positive. And well, I don't feel that way most of the time. I dislike my house. A lot. I would like to be more organized and less scattered and have a neat and tidy house. Ha. That is so not me. If it was, I wouldn't be on here, lol. Ever. Honestly, the things that I have for organization, don't fix my problem. I have 100lbs of crap that I'm trying to stuff in a 10lbs drawer. Get rid of stuff, you say? Yea, I would, but it's my stuff, that I use. Not all of the time, but some of the time. My crocheting yarn, my sewing machine, my scrap booking stuff, my wood and paints. All my artsy craftsy stuff. The kids school books, reading books, papers, notebooks, etc. Every closet, ever shelf, every surface has something on it. I go through different parts on a daily basis trying to sort and stack neater, get rid of what I absolutely don't need, throw trash, etc, but it's still way over whelming. I don't know what I need to do to fix it, but it drives the husband nuts, and I can't say that I like it. We don't really have people over because it's too hard, we shove everything into random corners and hope for the best. Okay, honestly, even if the house was immaculate, we wouldn't have people over either, we just aren't that sociable. We aren't people people, we suck.

And because I am not organized, my kids are not organized. I feel like I am teaching them nothing about living and life that they are going to need later on. Organization is a huge thing. Being able to keep things clean is important. Believe me, cleaning my room when I was a kid, was not high on my list of priorities, I was always a pack rat. I guess things just don't change that much. So, I feel like if I never got over it, my house looks about as bad as my room when I was a kid, are my kids doomed to be the same way when they are adults? I don't know. 

Anyway, enough of the doom and gloom. I gotta get the crew to bed. That takes at least an hour of bitching and fussing.

I came across this today, and it fits.

I get told sometimes that by home schooling I'm doing a disservice to my kids. They aren't getting enough socialization and what not. i came across this conversation this morning on one of the home school chat groups I belong to and thought it appropriate to share here. 


Two women meet at a playground, where their children are swinging and playing ball. The women are sitting on a bench watching. Eventually, they begin to talk.

W1: Hi. My name is Maggie. My kids are the three in red shirts -- helps me keep track of them.
W2: (Smiles) I'm Terri. Mine are in the pink and yellow shirts. Do you come here a lot?
W1: Usually two or three times a week, after we go to the library.
W2: Wow. Where do you find the time?
W1: We home school, so we do it during the day most of the time.
W2: Some of my neighbors homeschool, but I send my kids to public school.
W1: How do you do it?
W2: It's not easy. I go to all the PTO meetings and work with the kids every day after school and stay real involved.
W1: But what about socialization? Aren't you worried about them being cooped up all day with kids their own ages, never getting the opportunity for natural relationships?
W2: Well, yes. But I work hard to balance that. They have some friends who are homeschooled, and we visit their grandparents almost every month.
W1: Sounds like you're a very dedicated mom. But don't you worry about all the opportunities they're missing out on? I mean they're so isolated from real life -- how will they know what the world is like -- what people do to make a living -- how to get along with all different kinds of people?
W2: Oh, we discussed that at PTO, and we started a fund to bring real people into the classrooms. Last month, we had a policeman and a doctor come in to talk to every class. And next month, we're having a woman from Japan and a man from Kenya come to speak.
W1: Oh, we met a man from Japan in the grocery store the other week, and he got to talking about his childhood in Tokyo. My kids were absolutely fascinated. We invited him to dinner and got to meet his wife and their three children.
W2: That's nice. Hmm. Maybe we should plan some Japanese food for the lunchroom on Multicultural Day.
W1: Maybe your Japanese guest could eat with the children.
W2: Oh, no. She's on a very tight schedule. She has two other schools to visit that day. It's a system-wide thing we're doing.
W1: Oh, I'm sorry. Well, maybe you'll meet someone interesting in the grocery store sometime and you'll end up having them over for dinner.
W2: I don't think so. I never talk to people in the store -- certainly not people who might not even speak my language. What if that Japanese man hadn't spoken English?
W1: To tell you the truth, I never had time to think about it. Before I even saw him, my six-year-old had asked him what he was going to do with all the oranges he was buying.
W2: Your child talks to strangers?
W1: I was right there with him. He knows that as long as he's with me, he can talk to anyone he wishes.
W2: But you're developing dangerous habits in him. My children never talk to strangers.
W1: Not even when they're with you?
W2: They're never with me, except at home after school. So you see why it's so important for them to understand that talking to strangers is a big no-no.
W1: Yes, I do. But if they were with you, they could get to meet interesting people and still be safe. They'd get a taste of the real world, in
real settings. They'd also get a real feel for how to tell when a situation is dangerous or suspicious.
W2: They'll get that in the third and fifth grades in their health courses.
W1: Well, I can tell you're a very caring mom. Let me give you my number--if you ever want to talk, give me call. It was good to meet you.


We have yet to bring home a total stranger and family from the grocery store, but we have had a friend of a friend from Pakistan join us and share a little about her Country with us, and that was interesting. Maybe one day we will meet more interesting people like that.