It's just one of those things...

I had a huge post typed out, but it wasn't really what I wanted to say. The kids have been interrupting like crazy as only they can do, and I think I got way off track and rambling. Much more than usual, lol. Now that everyone is settled down I don't really feel much like re typing it all out, but I do want to put a post out there tonight. 

I didn't hear boo from the husband today, but then he's super busy with school and studying hard and all that good stuff and I didn't text him cause I didn't want to bother him. I hate that he has crap reception in his room and he's in class for long hours and then he has to spend all of his free time studying. On the other hand, I'm so thankful that we don't live close to the Quantico because if I was that would just be way too much stress, this whole being apart thing is a cake walk compared to what it would be like if he had to be home at night or weekends. Our house and quiet are two very different sides of the noise spectrum, at all times, unless the kids and dogs are all sleeping. So while, I hate not hearing him, I know he's safe. While I hate being so far away, I know it's the best thing for our family. Knowing those things doesn't make any of this any less hard, or any easier to deal with. 

I have a list full of things that I would like to have done in the next couple of months, on top of the crochet projects I'm working on, and on top of the regular house work that has to be done daily and weekly. I need to put the kids to work more, but I'm torn with that, too. Keeley can't do a whole lot, in fact it's more of an effort to make her pick something up than to just do it myself. The two older kiddos are a huge help with everything, I don't know what I would do without them. I know that I have to give Keeley a few more years, but it gets really frustrating sometimes. I think that's how I know that I'm done having babies. I get irritated way too easily that they make so much mess and can't pick up after themselves. I know that it can be that way with all of us, but I am most definitely at my max. My patience only goes so far and sometimes it just doesn't stretch quite far enough.

Aftermath

Well, I know that there are several more people reading this than there were before. I feel a little pressure with this post, to make it worth your while for taking time out of your busy busy lives to read about what I am doing. Lol, yea, there really is no pressure, I'm sure. It's just something I do to myself. You might say, "well then stop doing it". That is kind of like telling an alcoholic or drug addict to just quit. Yea, I went there. Really, it is. I mean, that's how I imagine it anyway. Addicts need there "fix" in order to function. Pressure, while it may stress me out and may not be good for me physically or mentally, or in any other way, pressure is like my fix. I'm sure that sounds concerning to some, so I guess I'll try to explain it some more. I think I've been through so many different things, things where I've been under pressure, that I don't know how to do things when there is no pressure, so I create it. I could get up, get the kids ready, and be out the door by 8 or 9 am when I have places to be or appointments, but instead I usually have trouble going to bed the night before something like that, so then I inevitably get up late. Then with breakfast for the kids, and getting dressed, and getting me dressed and taking care of the dogs and whatnot, it becomes lunch time before we are ready to roll. Now, if there is someplace I really have to be by a certain time, I still do all of the above, except now I yell more and get stressed out and make everyone move faster and get myself all worked up. We get there, but it was no fun for anyone. And yet even after that experience, I continue to wash and repeat. It's not just procrastination, it's the fact that if I don't feel that pressure, it's just not going to happen.

So, anyway, I keep losing my train of thought, so if I keep going with that, at some point it's going to start to sound randome and rambling, because not only am I working on this but I'm also baking chocolate chip cookies, boiling eggs for my salads for the next few days, and microwaving little pizzas for the kiddos for a late dinner. So, I keep leaving in the middle of a thought to go take care of one thing or the other and I am getting off track. I am good at multitasking, but usually something will still get lost in translation. With all of the things I have to remember, you would think that I would forget a lot more than I do, yet when the husband or kids come lookinf for something that surely I had to have touched, I can usually manage to find it, even if I didn't see where they left it. Now, there have been occassions where said item has not been found, but that usually means it was not left at the house like the searcher is absolutely sure they did. If it's not in the house, I claim no responsibility, yet somehow, it's still usually my fault.

There are some things, I really don't make any effort to remember, because kind of like that episode of Spongebob Squarepants where Squidward tells him to forget everything else and only remember things about fancy restraunts, if I'm sometimes scared that if I try to memorize one more thing, something else of importance will just drop off the map and I'll never even know until it's too late. When I get asked my name, I might not be able to tell you....

Well, I wanted to bake one more batch of cookies tonight, but I may have to stop at one cause it's getting late and the plan is to spend tomorrow at my parent's house, which is what we do on Sunday's, or at least we have sine the hubby has been gone, that's pretty much the most structured thing we have going on here right now.

I just have to say before I close this for the night that I have a myriad of friends with husbands who have just or will be coming home shortly. I am so happy for them. I just wanted to acknowledge them and say a big 

WELCOME HOME!!!

 

Preface

I'm going to start sharing what's in my head again with the people who matter most in my life, my family and friends. This blog has manged to stay pretty private since I started it back in 2008. I don't know how I managed it, but I had a place where I felt sort of anonymous. The problem with that is, now that I've decided to share and let people in on more than just my rantings on Facebook, they can read the archives if they so choose and see where I've been off and on for the last 3 1/2 - 4 years. It hasn't been pretty. Luckily, it was also pretty hit and miss. Consistently inconsistent, that's me. OF course, a lot more self deprecating than most are used to seeing from me. But, again, I've been fairly true to myself here because I haven't felt that I was under any sort of pressure to be anything other than me.

If by chance you do go back to the 2008-09 archives, I will warn you now that the language is kind of vulgar, I don't know why I felt the need to write the words, lol, but I did, and there they are. Now, I could go through and delete my archives and I would be totally off the hook for things I said because very few people read them, but again, that wouldn't be true to me, and it gets tiring hiding or squashing the things that go through my head, fair or unfair. The thing is when you read a blog, unless you are reading a blog where more than one person posts, you are only getting one side of the story. And we all know that there are two or more sides to every story, there is what each person involved interpretted and then there is the truth. I can only speak my interpretation, my truth. And sometimes the way I feel, whether it right or wrong, that is my truth.



Life is a daily struggle. We are all going down our paths, some skip and whistle down their paths and don't let anything bother them, some have paths that are full of twists and turns and dips enough to make them sick to their stomach, and some have paths filled with potholes and downed trees and high fences that just never seem to end. For those of us who seem to have more trials than some, the days where the sun shines through and we can just breath deeply and be, are days we stop and just remember that we are alive and well and there are people out there who love us and care and we can just stop for a moment and be thankful for the small things. There will be plenty to complain about tomorrow. ;0)

 So, in a nutshell, what you will find when you read my blog, whether you read my archives or you read future posts, what you will find is a heavy dose of me, with a little more of me on the side, plus the husband and kids, dogs, parents, inlaws, and everything in between. If it touches me in anyway, I will probably have an opinion on it. Feel free to comment if you wish, but don't feel obligated. I will assume from this point on that I have a bigger audience than I did with just the world, but don't expect me to hold back. I talk about the kids and I use names, but because this is out there where anyone can find it if they try, I don't name names, those who know me know who I'm referring to when I use generalizations and while I can't confirm or deny, if I talk about you, you will probably know it.

 So, with all of that said, Happy Reading. Enjoy my blog! When I blog I will post that I did so on my Facebook, but you can follow me as well (there is a button over on the side that says something like Follow or Follow this Blog), and if you follow you will probably get notifications automatically when I post more.

Welcome to my kind of crazy!

Pics, Hospitals, Earrings, and Missing my Hubby, oh my.......

Things have sure been busy around here. Two weekends ago the kids and I went over to the park across the street and had their pics done by a photographer that was doing a special for homeschoolers. I think the pics turned out pretty good, I will have to share some as soon as I put them on this computer. I just got my laptop back on Monday after HP had it for a week. Turns out my hard drive crashed and they had to put a new one in. I'm a little hesitant to put too much important stuff on this one now. Luckily, since I had just gotten it after Christmas, I hadn't had a lot of time to put too much important stuff on it anyway, so I didn't lose a whole lot of info. I do back up my stuff fairly regularly, but probably not regularly enough. My Toshiba has been a trooper though for the last 5 years and thank goodness I had it when this one took a crap otherwise I would have been SOL for the almost two weeks it took to send it in and get it back.

My oldest had her ears pierced almost 8 weeks ago now. I helped her make sure they got cleaned and turned as recommended the whole time. The bothered her a little bit, but she's been real good about it. I took them out two weeks ago and one bled quite a bit. I cleaned it real good and cleaned the earring and put it back in. We went back to the cleaning and turning schedule. The ear is still sore. It's not red, and it doesn't look infected. Took the earring out again tonight and it bled just a tiny bit. I think it's almost healed, but I'm just not sure why it's still sore or why it's taking so long to heal. We are going to try putting the regular earrings in tomorrow. Her grandma bought her two pairs that are 10k gold, so hopefully it will help. We'll continue cleaning them each time she puts some in or takes them out. I'm going to give it two more weeks and if they aren't completely healed by then I guess we will have to see the Dr or she will have to take them out for good and let them close. Although, I think mine are still there even though I never wear earrings anymore.

Last week I started feeling really bad, to include some shortness of breath and chest pain. So, my brother went with me and I went to the ER. I think it's one of the hardest things I've ever done. I really dislike hospitals, Dr's and the like. I just have terrible feelings for all of the above. It ranks up there with the horrors of my c-section as the toughest things I've been through. Anyway, I ended up being admitted for observation, and was poked, and prodded, and squeezed, and kept awake, among many other things. In the end, the tests all came out okay and they let me go home the next afternoon. I have a follow up test scheduled for the first week in April and probably a couple other appointments after that. It was a big wake up call to me. It really sucked being away from my kids all night and part of the day and they really didn't understand what was going on. They did very well with my parents and I'm so grateful that my parents could be there, but not being able to take care of things myself....let's just say I despise feeling so helpless. I don't know exactly how to fix my situation, but I'm going to do everything I can so that I don't have to be away from them again because of my health.

Of course during this whole episode, my family was wonderful, and I couldn't have gotten through it without them, but I miss my husband something fierce. I really need him and his reassurance and his support, and all I could have was a few text messages and short conversations by phone. Honestly, I know it's better than nothing at all, and if he had been here, he probably would have been with the kids anyway, or he would have been tougher on me than I was onmyself and wouldn't have babied me at all, but I still wanted him. Two more months.....



Just breathe

Some days I don't know how I do it. By the end of the day, my head is pounding, it hurts think. Then my head hits the pillow and my brain comes alive and I can't sleep usually for another hour, sometimes two. I don't have a TV in the bedroom anymore, when we moved, I opted not to have one, and even when the hubby retires and moves back in full time, if I have any influence, we will still not have a TV in the bedroom, it's just not necessary. But, anyway, so after I lay there a while, I usually get on my iphone. I don't know that I'll ever ban phones from the bedroom, lol....

Besides school with the kids, I'm working on several projects right now. I am working on my first custom crochet project, a blanket for a pregnant friend. It's my first paying gig. I have money on the way for my next three projects which I will probably be starting by the end of next week. It's rather exciting. And of course, I have my own projects to work on in between paying projects. And then on top of that, I am working on getting everything together so I can start school either this summer or fall semester. I'm not sure which will work out money wise, so it's kind of up in the air right now. The nice thing, is that as long I get my request to transfer credits in, I already have one semester completely done, plus an extra half a credit. But, that leaves me with three semesters to complete for graduation with an AA. Not that I can do much with an AA, but it's a start. After that, I will have to figure out funding for the next two years, but I am hopeful that by the time that time rolls around, I will have it figured out. 

So, yea, busy busy busy around here....

Some days I have to just think about breathing.