Organization and Me....

If you really knew me, you would know that while I try very hard to be organized, I'm just not. I don't feel like I'm as bad as any of the episodes of Hoarders that I've seen, but if I'm not careful, I could probably go there. I'm a huge packrat, always have been, ever since I was a kid. I don't know why. I purge different rooms of the house all the time, but before I can get to the next room, the other room is all jacked up again. Clothes are just about the worse thing. We keep most of our clothes in the laundry room downstairs. I realize that is not what most people do, but we spend the majority of our time downstairs, the washer and dryer are downstairs, dragging clothes up and down the stairs all of the time sucks. I guess maybe I'm lazy. But, when we take showers and baths it's just easier to grab what we need from the laundry room and head upstairs. And clothes we just don't need. I donate some of the clothes the kids outgrow, but not all of them. I mean, with 4 kids, only two of them can really do hand me downs, so, I need to get what I can out of some of them, so I try to ebay or yard sale, but that is a PITA as well. 

Our homeschool stuff is out of control, and while I think I may have a solution that will work until we get a house of our own and can feel like we can invest in a really nice bookshelf because they are expensive and I would hate to have movers break it and then have to replace it....

Excuses excuses, I could come up with a million more as to why I can't get organized the way I envision being organized. You know, those house you walk into, and they are done to down to the vases with flowers. Nothing at all on the floors, no toys, no shoes, no trash from kids just throwing stuff on the floor. I don't know how people with kids do it. I've tried to not let them have toys downstairs, make them play in their rooms, but it just seems to be unrealistic. Especially for the 2 year old. She is a tornado. The older two have gotten so much better, but the 2 year old, she is a tornado. It is a constant fight trying to keep things picked up just to a level where it's inhabitable. I clean something everyday. It needs it again by the next day. Really. I mop once a week. It's clean for maybe an hour or two. I've decided that I could do laundry 24 hours a day, never really getting it all done.

Paperwork kills me. I keep only the important stuff, but it gets out of control so quickly. I have a small filing cabinet, I probably need one of those big 4 drawer ones, but if I had it, I'd have no place to put it.

And craft stuff. I love my crafts. And even if I haven't used something in years, at some point I will need it for something and use it. I'm always trying to make something when I can find a minute. But, I don't have space for it all. I don't know what to do with it. I can't get rid of it. I don't want to have to buy it again when I'm ready for it, ya know? 

I don't know why I can't just be one of those obsessive compulsive anal women who clean until their fingers bleed....

Need to get this off my chest.....

There's not a lot of places I feel like I can just let it go, too many people watching every word I say and what not. I mean, it's my own fault, I've allowed those closest to me in my life access to all my opinions all the time at MySpace, Facebook, and the like. I know I've shared this blog before, but as far as I know, I only get comments from one person and I'm cool with that. It's when I know people are paying attention that I feel like I have to choose my words carefully. I realize that the internet is the last place to look for privacy. And in a way, I'm not really looking for privacy, I want people to hear what I have to say, but sometimes I don't want any advice or know it all-ism's or sarcasm (coming from the princess of sarcasm, I know). I just want to get shit off my chest and leave it out there. Period. I really don't care if anyone else feels that way, if I'm a shitty person for feeling a certain way, etc. etc. I just want to feel it and maybe then, just maybe, I can let it stop eating me up.

Like, I am a sorry excuse for a mother. Everyone always says what a great mom I am and how I'm so amazing, yada, yada, yada. First off, I don't know what they are seeing, but I'm fucking mess. There are moments where I really dislike my kids. I dislike everyone around me. But, most of all, I dislike myself for feeling that way. There are moments where if I could get in my van or get a bus ticket, I would love to just leave. The fact that an ex sister in law basically did just that, is not lost on me. There are moments where I would like to have a cousin or best friend around whom I could just go away for a night with and hang out. Hell, if I could leave for a week and go have fun with family I haven't seen in years, without the kids, I'd go in a heartbeat. Of course, after I calm down and everything, I feel guilty. Guilty that I would even think about leaving my kids, let alone actually putting my shoes on in contemplation. 

So, basically, right now, I'm hating life. Period. No one can talk me out of it, no one can talk me happy, I don't particularly even want to talk to anyone about it.

What can I say?

I don't blog nearly enough. It's definitely not because I don't have anything to say. I have tons to say. Or rather so much stuff I can bitch and moan about on a daily basis that I think I might really bore anyone who does find this blog, to tears. 

I have been reading blogs by some friends and aquaintances, as well as perfect strangers, and well, I feel inadequate. Most of these blogs talk about useful things like organization and daily living helps, and are upbeat and positive. And well, I don't feel that way most of the time. I dislike my house. A lot. I would like to be more organized and less scattered and have a neat and tidy house. Ha. That is so not me. If it was, I wouldn't be on here, lol. Ever. Honestly, the things that I have for organization, don't fix my problem. I have 100lbs of crap that I'm trying to stuff in a 10lbs drawer. Get rid of stuff, you say? Yea, I would, but it's my stuff, that I use. Not all of the time, but some of the time. My crocheting yarn, my sewing machine, my scrap booking stuff, my wood and paints. All my artsy craftsy stuff. The kids school books, reading books, papers, notebooks, etc. Every closet, ever shelf, every surface has something on it. I go through different parts on a daily basis trying to sort and stack neater, get rid of what I absolutely don't need, throw trash, etc, but it's still way over whelming. I don't know what I need to do to fix it, but it drives the husband nuts, and I can't say that I like it. We don't really have people over because it's too hard, we shove everything into random corners and hope for the best. Okay, honestly, even if the house was immaculate, we wouldn't have people over either, we just aren't that sociable. We aren't people people, we suck.

And because I am not organized, my kids are not organized. I feel like I am teaching them nothing about living and life that they are going to need later on. Organization is a huge thing. Being able to keep things clean is important. Believe me, cleaning my room when I was a kid, was not high on my list of priorities, I was always a pack rat. I guess things just don't change that much. So, I feel like if I never got over it, my house looks about as bad as my room when I was a kid, are my kids doomed to be the same way when they are adults? I don't know. 

Anyway, enough of the doom and gloom. I gotta get the crew to bed. That takes at least an hour of bitching and fussing.