There's not a lot of places I feel like I can just let it go, too many people watching every word I say and what not. I mean, it's my own fault, I've allowed those closest to me in my life access to all my opinions all the time at MySpace, Facebook, and the like. I know I've shared this blog before, but as far as I know, I only get comments from one person and I'm cool with that. It's when I know people are paying attention that I feel like I have to choose my words carefully. I realize that the internet is the last place to look for privacy. And in a way, I'm not really looking for privacy, I want people to hear what I have to say, but sometimes I don't want any advice or know it all-ism's or sarcasm (coming from the princess of sarcasm, I know). I just want to get shit off my chest and leave it out there. Period. I really don't care if anyone else feels that way, if I'm a shitty person for feeling a certain way, etc. etc. I just want to feel it and maybe then, just maybe, I can let it stop eating me up.
Like, I am a sorry excuse for a mother. Everyone always says what a great mom I am and how I'm so amazing, yada, yada, yada. First off, I don't know what they are seeing, but I'm fucking mess. There are moments where I really dislike my kids. I dislike everyone around me. But, most of all, I dislike myself for feeling that way. There are moments where if I could get in my van or get a bus ticket, I would love to just leave. The fact that an ex sister in law basically did just that, is not lost on me. There are moments where I would like to have a cousin or best friend around whom I could just go away for a night with and hang out. Hell, if I could leave for a week and go have fun with family I haven't seen in years, without the kids, I'd go in a heartbeat. Of course, after I calm down and everything, I feel guilty. Guilty that I would even think about leaving my kids, let alone actually putting my shoes on in contemplation.
So, basically, right now, I'm hating life. Period. No one can talk me out of it, no one can talk me happy, I don't particularly even want to talk to anyone about it.
7 winks and nods.:
I have been married for 11yrs, I have 4 kids, homeschool my oldest, my Hubs is EOD, etc.. We have a lot in common.
You aren't a bad mom for how you feel, I've been right there many, many times. This is one of those cases when actions speak louder than words and it takes a stronger person to stay and face the hard days.
Hang in there, I don't reply often but I am listening.
Doh, just realized you might not want replies but it won't let me delete.
Don't worry about it. I do appreciate the response. Thanks for the hang in there. ;0)
Which is why I go to park day each Friday, Mom's Night Out once a month (happens to be Thur night!), and Bingo every other month. Plus coffee one morning a month or so.
You need friends. Moms. Other homeschooling moms. Around you. People to talk to and people to understand. Because we do. You know? Being a SAHM is already a selfless act, add in homeschooling and we're practically super heroes. ;)
But even super heroes need friends.
Park Day. Be there!!
Hey Melissa! Thanks. I want to get to a park day, but between hubby taking the van almost every Friday for the last couple of months, or the kids being sick, or the weather being bad, lol, we just haven't made it. I have a really hard time meeting new people and everything. This Friday Meghan has a dentist appt at 10 and then I have to meet her teacher after that to turn in samples. I think this will be the last year we use CAVA, but that's another story..... I want to make it to park day really I do, I will...
Well you met some of the families at Riley's Farm. And you've met me. So we're not new anymore. ;)
I totally get it though. Everyone thinks I'm really outgoing and an extrovert and I'm not. I just have forced myself and learned "how" to do it over the years.
Really, if you can try and come tomorrow night, there will only be 5 or 6 ladies there, no children, and it's such easy conversation. We'd love to have you. We're meeting at Palms Kabob at 6:30.
Hell yeah! I understand you to the fullest! You are not alone! Stay strong, motivated, and try to stay goal minded...find solutions to your complicated situations...it is not easy, but pays off in the end!
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